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The Women Who Danced by the Sea Reading/Study/Book Group Guide Marsha Mirkin, Ph.D.
Women who Danced Book Group Questions I am delighted that you are discussing “Women who Danced by the Sea” in your book/reading/study group. Below are some questions that you may decide to use to guide your book club discussion. My hope is that you will find ways to resonate with the Biblical characters in this text, and that their life experiences will shed light on the challenges and joys that you face in your own life and relationships. In reference to the Jewish Bible, we are told “Turn it, turn it, for everything is in it” (Pirkei Avot 5:22). I am offering some new (and some not-so-new) ways of interpreting and commentating on Biblical stories. I hope that through the experience of reading and discussing this text, your own interpretations will emerge and that you will feel moved and impassioned by your relationship with the text and its characters, Marsha Mirkin
Chapter 1: EVE *In thinking about their development, were Eve and Adam truly ready to leave the Garden of Eden? What behavioral cues may have indicated that they were or were not? How do we judge if we ourselves are prepared to move to the next stage of life? *Reflect upon a choice that you made to change your life significantly. What factors propelled you towards this change? In evaluating this choice with the advantage of hindsight, were the gains worth the costs? Would you have done things differently? Perhaps at a different time? Why? *How can we use our own life-experience to better understand what Eve and Adam may have been feeling/thinking as the left Eden and after they were out of Eden? *Reflect on the idea of creation: God’s, Eve’s and Adam’s and our own: What is necessary in order to create? What is lost? What is gained? Do we see some form of loss as a prerequisite to creating something new in our lives? What is our emotional response to that possibility? *How do we, as children and (if we have this experience) as parents understand God’s parenting role in this story? What about God’s parenting bothers us or makes us uncomfortable? With what do we agree and identify? What do we wish to emulate? *Why do you think that Eve and Adam had no children in Eden? What do you think we need in order to parent a child emotionally, physically and spiritually? *Is it worth leaving Eden (address the lives of both Eve/Adam and your own life). Does the risk/benefit that we understand from this story change at different times in our lives? Chapter 2: SARAH, HAGAR AND ABRAHAM *One understanding of the story of Abraham and Sarah is that lack of communication contributes to a lack of understanding and empathy in a relationship. What makes it hard to communicate with the people we love? What problems do people and partnerships face when communication breaks down? How can we repair our relationships once we discover this breakdown in communication and empathy? What are some times when our ability to communicate supported our relationships? *Sarah, Abraham and Hagar can all be very loving people but sometimes “miss the mark”. How did they miss the mark with each other? In what ways are we vulnerable to “missing the mark” with our loved ones? Given that we all “miss the mark” at times, are we able to be empathic with Sarah? Hagar? Abraham? Ourselves? In what ways? *After Sarah asks Abraham to send Hagar away we never hear Sarah speak again. How can we understand this silence? What silences us? How might a speaking Sarah have changed the course of events in the life of her family and the Jewish people (imagine the effects of communication with Abraham pre-Binding, with Isaac post-Binding, etc.)? What are some examples of times when we found our own voice and could make a difference in our intimate relationships or in the larger community? *What can we learn about empathy from Hagar’s communication with God during both of her journeys in the wilderness? How can we take those teachings and apply them to our relationships? *Is it possible to be a community or world leader and still be a good partner and parent? What makes the balance of these two roles particularly difficult to achieve? How may a person reconcile these roles? *Do you think that the action versus listening approach to the problems of a loved one is gender-based? How else can we understand that some people “don’t just sit there, do something” while others “don’t just do something, sit there?” *In what ways do you feel that the God of this story can teach us about empathy and compassion? Chapter 3: REBECCA * What does it mean to us to heal another and/or be healed through love? In what ways is that idea helpful and in what ways can that idea be dangerous? * Contrast the relationship shared by Isaac and Rebecca with that of Abraham and Sarah. What factors contributed to the unique loving nature of Isaac and Rebecca’s partnership? * “Righteous people can emerge from Haran.” How do we see this idea played out in our own lives and in the lives of those around us? How do we understand how some people can transcend their Haran? How have we transcended ours? *What does it mean in our own 21st century lives that we can speak to God and expect God to answer? How do our own experiences and faith affect the way we hear/understand/interpret God? *How do the ideas of parental favoritism and preference develop in this chapter? What does that tell us about parenting today? *As parents, what does it take to allow our children to develop into the people they need to be instead of the people we want them to be? How can we deal with our disappointment if our children do not follow the paths we had planned? We sometimes confuse who our children are with what they choose to do with their lives. What is the difference? *The notion of Blessing is one that is complex and multi-faceted. I am understanding blessing as paying attention to the core being of another. If the person is to feel blessed, I am proposing that there also must be attention paid to, and recognition of, the blessing. How do we bless others every day? How do we feel blessed every day? When are we ready to accept our blessings? When are we ready to give blessings to others? How do we bless our children and what does it mean for a child to be blessed? *The idea that Jacob must be Jacob in order to carry on the covenant is one that conveys much importance to the notion of self-knowledge. How do we come to accept ourselves for who we are? How is this connected to our ability to accept others as who they are? *How do we understand Esau’s personality? In what ways is Esau an admirable character and in what ways is he flawed? Why do you think the rabbis had such a hard time with Esau? How does he come across to you? Which of the characters in this story seems most human to you and most easy to identify with? Chapter 4: LEAH AND RACHEL *How do those close to us help us to recognize our own strengths and blessings? How may those same people push us to reflect upon our shortcomings and weaknesses? *How does the love shared between Rachel and Jacob compare to that shared by Rebecca and Isaac? Sarah and Abraham? Leah and Jacob? Which relationship do we most identify with, wish for, or avoid? * How do we understand how Jacob was unable to pray for his wife in light of his coming from a family in which his father (Isaac) did indeed pray for his wife (Rebecca) but his grandfather (Abraham) did not pray for his wife (Sarah)? How do the relationships of our parents and foreparents impact the next generations? *We know that Leah and Rachel possessed very different personalities. How can we understand, symbolically, Jacob’s marriage to both of them? What aspects of ourselves can we see ourselves in Leah, Rachel, or both? Whom would you most like to emulate? Why? *There is an important lesson in this chapter relating to the value of struggling in and for a relationship without leaving the relationship. How can we think about this value in our own lives? When do we know when a relationship is worth the struggle and when it is healthier to leave? *Has there been a time in your life when your needs and that of a loved one conflicted, and when your compassion for your loved one outweighed your own needs? How do you understand that upon later reflection? Are there times when it is important to meet your own needs even if it means not being compassionate to someone we love? Is there a way of meeting our own needs while remaining compassionate to the other? *Reflect upon times in your life when you were stuck with what you wished you had instead of what you have. How can we help ourselves to focus on what we do have instead of what we lack? When does striving for gain of what we are missing promote growth? When does it hurt us? Chapter 5: THE WOMEN OF EARLY EXODUS * This chapter raises the idea of struggle preceding birth- a concept that is similar to that of destruction preceding creation, discussed in the chapter on Eve. How can we understand this recurring theme of loss as a prerequisite to renewal and gain? * In this chapter we see the strong link between
survival and community. *The women in this chapter work together across
ethnicity, religion and class. *The women in this story use different methods of
fighting injustice: the midwives make up stories when questioned by
Pharaoh, the Princess is direct, Yocheved hides the condemned baby,
Miriam speaks up to those in power. *How has your familial and cultural history affected
and/or nurtured you? * Pharaoh’s daughter is a central, often underemphasized, figure in the history of the Jewish people. One understanding of her character is that this righteous gentile had absolutely no self-serving reason to help save a Jewish baby and yet she simply could not be a part of the unjust murder of innocent human beings. How do we prevent ourselves from becoming bystanders to injustice? How do we teach this value to others (children, friends, etc)? * Pharaoh’s daughter had to directly see the injustice being wreaked against the Hebrews in order to take action. What has to happen to us in order for us to shift from the role of bystander to the role of proactive participant in social action and justice? How do we convey the importance and value of being proactive against injustice to our children and others whom we may nurture and educate? What is it about particular tragic events that do not directly affect us, that cause some people to pour out support (money and other material and spiritual resources)? What keeps us silent and what pushes us to speak out? *How do Miriam and Yocheved deal with life’s challenges? Is your personal style more similar to that Miriam, Yocheved, or some combination of both? What circumstances cause you to lean more towards one than the other? * Each of the women of early exodus had their own methods of approaching and dealing with dangerous situations. Which method resonates the most with you and your approach? * Have you ever worked as part of a community to
change something- small or large? Chapter 6: AND MIRIAM DANCED * What makes Miriam a leader? In what ways is Miriam not a conventional leader? What is the purpose of her leadership and how does her purpose manifest itself throughout her time as a leader? Do you feel drawn to her? * Have there ever been times in your life when you’ve needed a Miriam-like figure to help you get from a place of fear to a place of gratitude? Who is the Miriam in your life? *Are there times when you have been a Miriam-like figure for someone else or within yourself? Can you describe those times? * How do the Children of Israel choose their direction when they are being pulled in so many different ways? To whom do they turn for support and guidance? How do we imagine we might have acted? How do we make these kinds of decisions in our own lives? Who supports and guides us? * In this chapter Dance can be understood as a metaphor. When you are faced with moments and situations that feel out of your control, when you are surrounded by the unknown, what is your Dance? * Miriam is able to live in the present and does not allow herself to become preoccupied with the future. What enables her to behave and think in such a way? When is that attitude useful? Are there times when that attitude can be limiting? * Was there something you found particularly poignant about Moses’ prayer for Miriam? * How can we behave as nurturers to those we love without feeling as if we are being “sucked dry”? * Do you tend to find yourself playing the role of nurturer or nurtured in your family? At work? With friends? What is the experience like when these roles shift? * How do you understand the idea of healing? What meaning does healing take on when one cannot physically recover? What can it mean to heal emotionally, spiritually, or relationally? Are there times when we believed we have healed in non-physical ways? When we have accompanied others through a healing journey? Chapter 7: HANNAH * In this chapter we see Hannah struggle with issues
that are beyond her control. * Hannah wrestles with challenges of fertility and infertility. How have issues surrounding fertility changed since Hannah’s time and how have they stayed the same? *As Hannah struggles with her infertility, her husband asks whether he is not worth more to her than ten sons. How would you feel when you heard your husband’s words if you were Hannah? What would you need to hear from your loved one? * Many of us have encountered eating disorders in some capacity (struggling ourselves or watching someone we care for struggle). What have you found to be the most challenging elements of these disorders? How can a loved one be most supportive of a person who is suffering from an eating disorder? * Hannah undergoes a transformation from a voiceless woman to a woman who uses her voice. What allows for this transformation? What allows us to discover our own voice? *What was it about Hannah’s encounter in Shilo that allowed her to move beyond her depression/eating disorder? Is there something from this experience that we can take with us when we feel stuck or hopeless? * What does Hannah’s prayer teach us about ways of relating to God? About ways of connecting to the innermost parts of ourselves? About social justice? * Compare how Abraham and how Hannah understand the idea of raising their sons up to God. What is our contemporary understanding of this idea? What are our priorities as we raise our children? *Sometimes, Biblical children can represent the idea of a sacred future. How can one develop a sacred future even if one does not have a child? Chapter 8: RUTH *Sometimes we all experience a famine in a house of bread. Can you describe times when you had this experience? What helped you to once again take in the bread? * Names are critical in this chapter. For example, Naomi talks about a name change to Mara: Pleasant becomes bitter; she later reclaims her name “Pleasant” again. All of us are also named by our life experiences. What name would you give yourself? Are there moments in your life when that name shifted? *Naomi’s sons had very problematic names: “Sickly” and “Die an early death.” The name implies that these children could not be nurtured or helped to develop. Are there times when you felt you weren’t nurtured? How did you deal with that situation so that you didn’t feel that something within you had died? Or, if you had those feelings, what helped you to heal? *Relational psychology tells us that the most growth producing relationships are mutually empathic. Yet, Ruth stays with Naomi even when she feels like a “husk” who can’t give anything. How do you see Ruth in this story? Is she the only one giving or does she also gain strength and possibility from her relationship with Naomi? From other relationships? Are there times when you were more the “giver” or more the “receiver” in a relationship? Did you feel that you were still in a mutual relationship or did it feel too one-sided to you? *Naomi tells Ruth and Orpah to go back to their mother’s home, but Ruth stays with Naomi. The story might be telling us that we have many mothers: biological/adoptive and spiritual mothers. Who are your spiritual mothers? How did they impact your life? Have you ever been a spiritual mother for someone else? Can you describe that experience? *What is it about Ruth that Boaz loved? Are those qualities you value in relationships? What qualities does Boaz embody? Do you value those qualities? *The word “chesed” is often used in this story and represents the greatest loving-kindness possible, beyond anything we think we might have earned and without obvious benefit to the person who exhibits the loving-kindness. Are there times when you’ve shown chesed to others? When you were the recipient of chesed? Try to describe the experience. *As the story progresses, Naomi goes from feeling empty to feel blessed. What helps her make the transformation? Can you describe a similar transformation in your own life? The book in its entirety: *What characters do you relate most to? In what ways? Of all the foreparents in this book, whose shoes can you most easily step into? Who do you feel most like hugging, comforting, arguing with, living with, avoiding, being? * Whose relationships do you feel are strongest? What qualities are manifest in those relationships? *Which stories do you find most problematic or hardest to grapple with? In what ways? *Which stories have you learned the most from? Which have facilitated your own growth? * How do you understand God from the stories in this book? Given this understanding, what meaning might God have in your life? *What keeps us compassionate and hopeful during the hard times? *Are there necessary losses in our lives? Do growth/creation and loss go together? What might we need to lose in order to gain fuller lives? What are we wary of losing? *What strengths can we draw from our foremothers? * What are some of the “red flags” to watch out for in our relationships, based on these stories? *How is the vision of relationship, God and faith presented in this book similar to and different from the public discourse today? *Based on these stories, how do you understand the process of healing? What are the impediments and what facilitates healing? *The foreparents presented in this book are very human—lovable and flawed. What is your response to these foreparents? Do you prefer interpretations that present them as closer to perfection than the characters presented in this book? Do you find it helpful or comforting that they are presented in such a human way? *Social justice is linked to many of these stories and characters. What is the role of social justice in your life? What responsibility do you feel you have to the larger community and society? **I would like to thank Nannette Herlands for her help in developing these questions.
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